The deep roots of our infidelity

Why many are attracted by the idea of an illegitimate connection? Why are some of us to be tempted? The mechanism of marital treason is much more complicated than just the desire of the forbidden fetus, our experts explain.

Roman 35 years old, he is married, there are no children in the family yet. He always considered marital fidelity to be the key to the stability of the marriage, so far … Two years ago, an attractive girl-man did not come to his company. “She began to flirt with me literally from the threshold as soon as she appeared in our office. It lasted six months, and then ceased to be a game: one fine day I found that I really want it and it becomes dangerous.

And yet, once I didn’t invite her home – she asked when my wife left for a three -day seminar. We were in bed, and then I clearly realized that I was moving some forbidden line with this woman who is younger, more experienced and sexy than my wife. We met several more times, but I decided to part with her when, during sex, she began to scratch me – as if she wanted to leave traces on my body.

And then I began to meet with other women completely unexpectedly for myself, despite the fact that fast sex does not always suit me, and despite the risk that my wife will find out about these betrayals ”.

Betrayal through the eyes of a man and woman

“There is an opinion that a real man will not miss the opportunity,” comments the family therapist Boris Shapiro. – And the family, in their opinion, will not suffer from this: they love their wives, but do not want to limit themselves either. “.

Today, female treason has already ceased to shock us, and yet men are still ahead. Almost any survey shows: among those who are cheating in marriage, there are about twice as many men than women.

Women usually draw a border between old and new love, and a man can maintain sexual relations with a woman, even if his emotional affection is focused on another. “A man may not give physical betrayal of special significance,” adds family therapist Viktor Makarov. – The woman almost always perceives physical treason as personal, psychological – and suffers from this. “.

Not only sex

Often a deceived partner is primarily focused on the sexual side of treason. But she is not always the main thing. “Sometimes in sexual relations there is a subtext that is not directly related to sexuality,” says Lola Komarova. – The reason for the betrayal may be the desire to assert himself, the fear of attachment … But sometimes we sexualize treason, giving it a completely different meaning than the one that underlies it ”.

“Sex in treason may not play a leading role,” adds Boris Shapiro, “its psychological causes are more important than physiological, although for men this is true to a slightly lesser extent”.

Most people who are changing their partners justify their behavior with sexual dissatisfaction in the couple – perhaps in order to shift responsibility to a partner or not think about the true reason for what is happening.

Madonna and Putan

With the prototype of what we will perceive as treason later, each of us is faced in early childhood, at the time of the experience of the Edipo complex. At this time, the child understands that his ideas about the complete possession of the mother are incorrect: she also belongs to the father. So, a little boy feels excluded from a parental couple, abandoned, humiliated. He is trying to cope with indignation aimed at his mother “who changed” him ..

“At this moment, a dual attitude to the parent of the opposite sex arises in the child’s soul,” explains the psychoanalyst Lola Komarova, “appears the mother-Madonna, devoted, caring, but asexual, and with her, the mother is sexually attractive, but tormenting him with treason. The girl also feels like an abandoned father, and in her soul there is also a breakdown: a caring, reliable father and father-male “.

We are additionally excited that we meet only for the sake of sex. And she does the right thing, that does not make a conversation about love

“To love another, we need to extol it,” says French psychoanalyst Jean-Pierre Winter. – But in order to wish another, you need to perceive it as an object. Ideally, these two types of relations coexist, but if the Madonna -Owl conflict is not resolved, this situation keeps a person in tension ”. In search of a solution to this problem, he often seeks to share two hypostasis: on the one hand, a beloved person, on the other, is a welcome sexual partner.

42-year-old Leonid has been married for ten years and has been dating a married woman for a year now. “The very fact that we are lovers gives acute sensations. She comes to give me pleasure, and I – her. We are additionally excited that we meet only for the sake of sex

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. And she does the right thing, that does not make a conversation about love “.

In search of uniqueness

It is believed that male betrayals often begin with the birth of a couple of a child to whom a woman pays all attention, forgetting about a partner. But there is another opinion: the loyalty of a man is largely determined by how his mother applied to him in childhood.

“The one whom his mother set against her father or patologically patronized, will feel that they are used, and not like it just for what he is,” Jean-Pierre Winter explains. – Subsequently, he will be more inclined to infidelity than the one who was loved by unconditional love.

A person who is uncertain in maternal love will later doubt the feelings of his partner. Changing, he will not even feel like a deceiver. Indeed, how he can realize treason if he does not feel truly desirable?”

Such a narcissistic man constantly needs to be certified in his male virtues, implication, but most importantly, he needs evidence of his exclusivity. “If a man stops in a sexual search and begins to build a relationship, then he found a woman who distinguished him, saw and recognized his dissimilarity to others,” explains Didier Dumas.

“Many men have similar expectations in relation to a woman,” adds Boris Shapiro. – If they are not justified, he can choose the one next to which he will feel “on the pedestal”. If the family does not satisfy the needs for sex, love, attention, a sense of own value, then they will change with the one who will satisfy them “.

In search of excuses

We are rightly convinced that the deceived partner is painful. But at the same time, we rarely realize that the pain may experience the one who changes. And yet such a kind of mental pain exists.

“A month ago, on a business trip, I suddenly ended up in bed with a practically unfamiliar man,” says 29-year-old Alina. – It was just a impulse, not leading to anything serious. And when I returned, I saw that my husband was waiting for me: I removed the apartment, bought flowers, wrote a funny postcard ..

Before my departure we quarreled – so he wanted to make peace. At night I locked myself in the kitchen, angry with myself – for the absurdity of what was happening, on him – for his naivety and powerlessness. I smoked and cried: I was ashamed and unbearably clear that as before, we will not have, even if he does not know anything ”.

Sometimes unbearable feelings make themselves justify themselves and at the same time denigrate a partner, find more and more shortcomings in it. “Own betrayal sometimes makes a person think about a partner worse,” says narrative consultant Ekaterina Zhornak. – Trying to get away from guilt, a person seems to convince himself: “What should be his (her) stupidity, insufficiency, indifference, so as not to notice my betrayal!”

Admit or not?

The answer to this difficult question for each is individual. But first of all, he will depend on which two partners see a model of relations in their pair.

“Of course, random detection of betrayal always creates problems,” explains Victor Makarov. – We conclude that the other feels not so bad, betraying us, and that we could remain in ignorance for a very long time. In this sense, the recognition of the partner suggests that he cannot live in the situation in which he set himself “.

But is it always worth admitting? It depends on the relationship in the pair, the level of trust, on whether the partner is able to forgive treason. “Men are not inclined to forgive the wife’s behavior,” Boris Shapiro argues. – Partly, this is a product of double morality that has long existed in society, when men could change, and women did not. But this is due to the fact that men, even the most confident in themselves, are afraid of comparisons. The idea that a wife can get an orgasm with someone except him is very painful for a man. “.

“If for you a couple is inconceivable without a frank dialogue about the deepest and personal,” it is necessary to admit, ”says French psychologist Sara-Ann de Saint-Juber. – Inappropriation always shows the changes that have occurred in the inner world of a person, and the other must find out about it in order to develop further.

But if partners consider life in a pair as a way hand in hand of two individuals, each of which has secrets, then there is no reason to confess to treason. Incorrectness in this case concerns only that changed and that part of his personal life in which the other does not participate “.


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